Ten ways to good parenting!
Its Diwali…festival time again! We have cousins visiting us, with their entire brood. It’s a good time for the entire family to get together and celebrate the festival of lights. Most of them have kids already into their teens. One of them has a 4 year old boy, a bundle of mischief, slightly rebellious and very aggressive. Being a parent myself, I was keen to observe and understand how parents behave with their children. I watched her, as she interacted with her son, how she guided him as he did his homework, played about and interacted with others. This provided me with insights on my own behaviour as a parent.
As parents perhaps we don’t realize how we behave, when we interact with our child. This third person perspective is often lost on us. And unfortunately, many a time, we don’t have anyone to point out and tell us where we went wrong, how we can correct our mistakes!
And this visit from my cousin provided me with this wonderful opportunity to observe at close quarters as to how parents behave. And then I looked around…and realized that this behaviour is very commonly repeated by most parents. And it is this behaviour that often determines how the child’s personality gets developed.
Today we want instant results, children to behave like perfect adults! And if they don’t, we get unhappy, displeased and dissatisfied with the way our children are!
What do you do when your child is refusing to do his homework?
What do you do when your child refuses to say sorry for any mistake committed? When your child constantly misbehaves?
1. Do you sit with him patiently till you achieve the goal without losing your cool?
2. Do you try a couple of times and then give up, give in to his demands or let him get off easily?
3. Do you yell at him, use force and finally give him a couple of slaps to get it done?
I find most parents resorting to the second or third solution. The few that try the first, give up after a few tries, saying it’s not possible to remain patient all the time. Is it not possible or could it be that you are not trying enough?
Do you know what that behaviour is?
It is the impatience to wait, watch and nurture. It is the anger and frustration over repeated mistakes. It is the irritation over bad behaviour. It is the ego that hurts when we can’t get it right!
After watching parental behaviour over a couple of weeks, I have ventured to put forth a few points that I think will help parents rethink and reorganize their behaviour:
1. Be patient – Remember when you first learnt something? Did you get it right the first time? It’s the same with a child. When you have to do something repetitive, a child naturally tends to lose interest. It’s for us parents to make the task interesting, encourage and teach the child to patiently work on it till he gets it right.
2. Be a role model – If you are imparting certain values, make sure you follow them. If you teach them to be honest, make sure you are honest yourself, in every way. If you stress the importance of hard work, make sure you work hard too, at home, and at work. You are the best…and the worst example for your child. And the most influential person too. You have fresh, wet clay in your hand…how you mould it determines how it will last a lifetime, despite pressures from the world outside.
3. Don’t give up the struggle – Many times we are too tired, tired of the day’s struggles, tired of the negativity we face with others, too tired to hang in there. But every time we give up; we teach a very hard lesson to our children…one that says…’Take the easy way out’. Set an example of persistence by focusing on completing the task despite distractions or failures. Children are like elastic bands…they stretch you to the utmost, trying you in every which way to see how much can you take…and admire you if you don’t give in. The subtle power struggle that you face everyday with your children is a test in itself for you. Each day you pass the test, you win the admiration of your children. And they learn to overcome their daily struggles and be victorious in life.
4. Resist the temptation to get violent – How often do we shout at our children, get irritated with them and punish them physically when they disobey us? What is the message we are sending across? That only the physically strong can subdue the weak? That physical violence is the guaranteed way to tame a person? And then we often wonder…why is my child so aggressive? Why does he hit others? If you yourself cannot control your own temper, how can your child do so? Self preservation is one thing and violence another. Be sure you are not turning your child into a violent person.
5. Don’t send mixed signals – On one hand you forbid chocolates after dinner, but if your child persists hard…you say…’Ok. Just this one time’. While doing homework, you say ‘Complete the entire page.’ And when more than half is done, you are overjoyed and say ‘It’s ok. You can go and play’. On one hand you say…’You’re a big boy, do it yourself.’ On the other hand, you say…’You’re too small to make your own decisions’. Do you realize the conflicting signals you send across? Be very clear. Clear about what is ok and not. Clear about what responsibility your child can shoulder. And never bend the rules for anything. You will only help your child be very clear in his decisions in his future.
6. Set realistic goals - When you set yourself or your child a task, accomplish it, no matter how long it takes, or how hard it is. This is not to say that you set a goal that is way beyond the capacity of the child, but if it is within the capacity or requires a little stretch of his abilities, it will only strengthen his resolve to succeed every time he achieves a goal!
7. Praise your child – We punish easily…but we don’t praise that often. Doesn’t that sound familiar? We think that praise can go to the head, but it is proven that genuine and sincere compliments, especially those received from parents are the ones most cherished by the child. And are a source of energy to aim higher and achieve more. Praise your child for effort taken, for hard work put in, for achievements, for good character and for the empathy a child displays. It will help the child to be equally balanced with his failures and successes!
8. Make time – In today’s busy life, we don’t make time for the most important role we are playing – PARENTING. What use is your wealth or success if your child is an ill-adjusted adult in the world? This is the most important project of your life, where YOU and ONLY YOU are completely responsible for a human being, in every way! Make sure that this project is a success. Put in as much time as required to ensure that your child is loved, listened to, is more important than anyone else. Time is the best investment you can ever make and the most precious gift you can give your child.
9. Learn from the mistakes others make – Our parents were not perfect and so aren’t we! However life provides enough examples for us to look around and learn. Learn from parenting mistakes others make. Share your experiences. Ask for help when faced with a tough situation. You would get good advice which will go a long way in presenting you with alternatives to handle the situation.
10. Display love – Its not enough to just love…its important to show it! It makes a child very secure to see his parents in love as well as showering love on him. Every positive and cheerful conversation in the house makes the child comfortable and secure knowing that his home has harmonious vibrations. It sends the child out into the world knowing that there is a safe haven for him, that he can come back to, tired from the day’s labor, where he will be loved and cherished, no matter how bad his day may have been.
As we work on our behaviour, we will see tiny miracles each day, miracles that are sweet surprises, that we believe is too good to be true…and thus we will embark on that most tiring and yet most rewarding journey of parenthood. On that note, wish you all a very happy Diwali and happy Parenting!
May 5th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I really like your 10 ways to better parenting. I can see that you are and been a good parent to your children.
On #4 and as a parent, I think I cannot resist being physical to my disciplinary action for my children. I don’t want them to be a spoiled child and overcoming it needs physical and not just by words.
-Jan