Quotes and Sayings

Here is a collection of Short Funny Quotes that I found funny. I hope you will find them interesting. You are welcome to add your quotes in the comment.

This is a a funny one.. “Thank God I’m an atheist.”

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” I am glad my Mom never calls me that. How about Bastard?

“In America anyone can become president. That’s the problem” . Look at Bush!!

“You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.” Just imagine!!

I like this one, and follow this to the Tee. ” Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.”

“I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde”. This is what I call a witty remark.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Couldn’t give up drinking, could I?

This one is classic, and very funny to think of it. “Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

“Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.” Thats what we should do, and what with water getting scarce.

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” - Jerry Seinfeld . So true Jerry, we just need the remote. On that note I remember another joke where the Girl took the Remote to the shopping mall coz the Boy friend won’t come for shopping and it was the most evil thing she could think of.

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

” I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. ”

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” This one is funny, and can be found at funny birthday quotes.

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”

“I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.” Very funny.

“Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.” And I would add, the most common habit.

“A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.”

“Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.” And it is still crowded?

And a few more funny quotes like

“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.”

“I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.”

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. ”

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

“Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.”

This entry was posted on Friday, March 23rd, 2007 at 11:04 am and is filed under Funny Quotes, Short Quotes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.