Quotes and Sayings

Some Sarcastic Quotes for fun.

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“You have delighted us long enough.”
~ Jane Austen

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.”
~ Mark Twain

“Stay with me; I want to be alone”
~Joey Adams

“It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”
~ Paul Newman

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
~ Irvin S. Cobb

“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.”
~ Eric Hoffer

“If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault.”

“This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.”

“It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. ”

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
~Ashleigh Brillant

“You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.”

“A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. ”

“Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. ”

“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.”
~ Ogden Nash

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.”

“You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.”

“Don’t expect too much of Christmas Day. You can’t crowd into it any arrears of unselfishness and kindliness that may have accrued during the past twelve months.”

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”

“Mortal, we spirits of Christmas do not live only one day of the year, we live the whole 365. So it is true of the child born in Bethlehem.”

“I want an official Red Rider, carbine-action, two hundred shot, range model air rifle.” – Ralphie
“You’ll shoot your eye out kid.”

“”No, you are a hallucination brought about by alcohol – Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl.”

“Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl. ”

“Oh Vermont should be beautiful this time of year, with all that snow.”

“Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nit-wit. You can’t fire me, I quit. Seems I don’t fit in.”

“Let’s see, we’ve got a munkle for your uncle, a fant for your aunt and a fandpa for your cousin Leon.”

“I’m too old! I’m beyond hope. Go and redeem some younger, more promising creature…and leave me to keep Christmas in my own way.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot of bad ‘isms’ floatin’ around this world, but one of the worst is commercialism. Make a buck, make a buck. Even in Brooklyn it’s the same–don’t care what Christmas stands for, just make a buck, make a buck.”

“Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?”

“You’ve been given a great gift George – a chance to see what the world would be like without you.”

“And if I reach number one, I promise to sing this song, stark naked, on TV on Christmas Eve.”

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”

“The merry family gatherings– The old, the very young; The strangely lovely way they Harmonize in carols sung.”

“X-mas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme, logs on the fire and gifts on the tree, time to rejoice in the good that we see. ”

“It is the spirit of brotherhood in the cheer of Christmas that makes it so glorious. Brotherliness is but the manifestation of the spirit of Christ.”

“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time. ”

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”

“The merry family gatherings - the old, the very young; the strangely lovely way they harmonize in carols sung. For Christmas is tradition time - traditions that recall the precious memories down the years, the sameness of them all.”

“When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs? ”

“Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts.”

“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time. “

Some things that you can use on your Christmas Cards:

This one is by Charles Dickens:
I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money. ”

I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never aone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the word seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.”
Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts.

“The earth has grown old with its burden of care But at Christmas it always is young, The heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair And its soul full of music breaks the air,”

“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?”

Here is our collection of dog quotes and sayings for the canine lovers.
Dogs have been Men’s best friends, and womens best companions. This collection of dog quotes is dedicated to all the dog lovers of the world and their dogs.

“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.”

“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother - and they’ll settle for a puppy every time. ”

“Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell.”

“Thorns may hurt you, men desert you, sunlight turn to fog; but you’re never friendless ever, if you have a dog.”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail.”

“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. ”

“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s”

This is one of my favorite puppy quotes, ” Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies.”

“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.”

“You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark.”

“Properly trained, a man can be a dog’s best friend.”

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”

“The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be.”

” To err is human,to forgive canine. ”

“A cat sees us as the dogs…A cat sees himself as the human.”

“Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. ”

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ”

“He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”

Please add your favorite dog quotes below in the comments form..

” What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”

Here is a funny Christmas Quote by W.J. Cameron:

“There has been only one Christmas - the rest are anniversaries.”

By Katharine Whitehorn, who said a very true reality of what christmas has become, that “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.”

This one is really cute: Open your presents at Christmastime but be thankful year round for the gifts you receive.

“I do like Christmas on the whole…. In its clumsy way, it does approach Peace and Goodwill.  But it is clumsier every year.”

“For centuries men have kept an appointment with Christmas.  Christmas means fellowship, feasting, giving and receiving, a time of good cheer, home.”

This is my best funny, Christmas saying, the comment made by Shirley Temple “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

“A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!” cried a cheerful voice. “Bah!” said Scrooge. “Humbug!”–Charles Dickens

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

Here is a collection of Insults Quotes and Sayings.

Now some real quote to insult some one
“If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.”
~Simon Cowell

“If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.”
~Johannes Brahms

” I’ve had a wonderful evening - but this wasn’t it.”
~ Groucho Marx

“You’re the reason our kids are so ugly.”

“I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.”
~ Johnny Mercer

“Even rabbits insult an dead lion.”
~Proverb

“I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.”
~ Steven Pearl

But, please, don’t insult anybody seriously, some people can take it very seriously Here are some quotes about insulting someone..

How true this saying is,
” It’d be a terrific innovation if`you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.”
~Katharine Hepburn

Because you see, as Oscar Wilde puts it,
“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

“If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved.”

“There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that the has never known trouble.”

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

“The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no more respect than he exacts.”

“It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.”

But one should never an insult for so long, “Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone”
~Arab Proverb

“If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon. ”

“It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it.”
~Annaeus Seneca

“A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me.”

“I love it when someone insults me. That means that I don’t have to be nice anymore. ”

“I’m not that desperate and you’re not that lucky.”

“The most effective comeback to an insult is silence. ”

And always remember this,
“Never insult an alligator until you’ve crossed the river.”
~Cordell Hull